Perfectly lonely?... well, yeah. maybe. Cause I know I lost the only person I ever loved. The one person I was madly in love with, turns out never existed. He was a phony, you could say. Or... let's not be unfair, maybe he wanted to believe he felt about me as i felt about him. And isn't it ironic? the one person who was able to get me to fall for him the moment he took my hand for the first time, was just as able to push me away and stop me from feeling anything, not only for him, but for everyone else, the moment he stared back at me with those loveless eyes. At first i've to admit i was delighted, now i wouldn't have to fix my heart, for it was not going to be vulnerable, it wasn't gonna be broken again. I was thrilled with the idea of not feeling anything anymore, then I got scared... what will happen if i don't ever love again? If the love I had for him, was all the love I was capable of handling, and just threw it away without knowing it would be a definite move? It was a feeling I couldn't bear... and now? well.. it depends on the day, mostly i'm indiferent. I don't really want to give it much thought. And some other times, times as today, I just get sad. Hollidays alone are kind of sad.

It is all so unreal, so blurry... so far, I'm even doubting it existed

At this point, i'm really confused. Of all my thoughts, of all my feelings, even of all my former dreams... what's real and what does my mind want to believe it is? I just want to have it all clear

I'm NOT heartbroken... this thoughts were written long ago

When will this heart stop beating stronger every time? I could have it removed just to get rid of the pain, or I could steal yours and wear it as mine as well. How would you like that? And what would you do? Is there really much left to do when you know someone else owns your heart and just took it for fun or to spend some time astray? When will this mind stop wasting itself just thinking it through and having you all around second by second, day by day? I could change it for someone else’s or even get rid of its contents completely to start all over again. Or better yet, if you don’t mind, I could just use yours some time and give it back whenever I’ve worn it off to the point in which nothing makes sense. To the point you can’t even remember your name. But would that really ease the pain? I will take all of our memories and throw them away, and I will freeze my heart and forget of your face, and whenever you call I’ll just think of you as dead, so you don’t torment me anymore, so you won’t remind me of any pain.

Mi ilusión

Soñaré contigo hoy, que recolectamos golosinas en halloween, las intercambiamos y gozamos de ellas juntos. Que comemos pavo en el día de la independencia, lo celebramos, nos reímos y no sabemos ni porqué. En Nochebuena, observamos las luces de vengala, igual de hipnotizantes que tu mirada, igual de vivas que nuestro amor, al anochecer ya cenamos en tu casa y después de ir a la mía, nos echamos a dormir, tu piel siendo mi cobija y entonces me cubro hasta despertar. En la mañana, ya es Navidad, serás tú mi regalo y tu regalo es mi cantar, que lo tienes para siempre, amor yo te podré arrullar, cuando no halles el sueño y cuando quieras llorar. Después soñaré con San Valentín, que es el día de los enamorados, "nuestro día" se llamará y sentiremos pena por los otros, pues ellos no pueden gozar del amor que nos tenemos, lo agotamos y nos preguntamos ¿qué haran? Entonces pronto viene pascua, y los huevos hemos de rellenar con recuerdos e ilusiones y una dósis de tu amar. Los tronaremos uno por uno y nos han de recordar a esos planes que tenemos y esperamos, se cumplirán. De nuevo miro al cielo y veo una estrella fugaz, en ella encuentro tu mirada, esos ojos de color vivaz. Tú tomas mi mano y yo te hago el amor con sólo rozar tus labios, con sólo mirar en tu interior y a veces siento temor de perder lo que tenemos, de no disfrutarnos hasta el final. De poco a poco desvanecernos, de dejar de hallar en tí, mi paz.
Te pienso, te miro y te anhelo y tú me enamoras cada día un poco más,
te siento, te toco y hasta te huelo y tu te dejas, por mí, amar.
Verano pasa lento, nos salimos a asolear, el sol resalta tu color de pelo, es un color cafe, un tono ambar.
te veo, te observo y yo pienso "tanta luz te sienta bien". Pues tu cuerpo brilla mucho, que hasta escarcha parece tener. Pronto acabará el verano y ambos debemos trabajar, con problemas de muchos tipos y se que en tí puedo contar, me entiendes, te entiendo, nos conocemos y nos podemos consolar. De nuevo comienza el ciclo, el cual no quiero ver terminar. De nuevo te soñé, de nuevo existo y tú algún día existirás, no tan solo en mis pensamientos, pero también en mi vida, en mi realidad. Te sueño, te anhelo y espero encontrarte y ponerle una cara a esta ilusión, para al fin ya conocerte y componerte una canción.

I don't hate you, for hate is not the opposite of love, it's indifference. Hate, as you all know is still a strong feeling, and if i hated you, i'd be all worn out, and I don't think it's worthy for me to spend that kind of energy in someone I don't care about anymore. I'm indifferent, as you may have noticed yesterday. And I'm really on top of the world!! I'm exactly where I want to be... And guess what? there was no need for you to scream at me.

Happy Halloween =)

im not the thief

See, I tried to love you, but you wouldn't let me. Honey, this could've been heaven. It would've been heaven. But who cares? Cause I'm done with you once and for all. And this time I mean it, this time's for real. So brace yourself darling, and prepare to be left alone... well, isn't that what you wanted? Now who's running this time? And you can run after me, chase me if you want to. Come back to me, searching for what you lost, looking out for it in ME. But guess what? I don't took your proud away, I don't have it... You see, I'm not the thief.

never again =)

I laugh really hard.
he thinks he's got control again
And i'll laugh really hard
I'll laugh harder again, and this time in his face
why, he thinks he's got the power again
But power over me?
Yeah right.. Nigga please!
No honey. That? sure... never again!
Men, he'll be surprised when he looks me in the eye
And doesn't found my vulnerable side,
the one i buried tonight
yeah he'll be surprised
hell yeah... NEVER AGAIN!

At the beginning, I thought it'd be better for me to stop talking to him in order to forget him, but I didnt. And guess what? It freaking worked sooo good, for I discovered that the more I talked to him, the more asshole he seems to be and the less loving he is. So what I'm really trying to say is I discovered the "dream guy" I was in love with, never really existed.

My "Ten things I hate about you"

I hate the way you’re in my mind
all the time as days go by,
I hate the way you look at me,
making me think I have you back
I hate the way you make me feel home,
and the way you lock the door whenever we’re alone
I hate the way you kiss my lips,
and even more that we were so close
I hate the fact you said you loved me,
and that you think about me every day
I hate the fact that you know I love you,
and that you know your word will be the last,
I hate it when you make me feel vulnerable,
even when you say I’m strong
I hate the fact that I can’t have you,
since you gave up on me, making me feel as unworthy as crap
I hate the idea of me thinking you will return,
and knowing you won’t, and that if you did I’d take you back
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit,
Not even at all

sueño vs. realidad

Aquí me encuentro, sentada.
Mis pensamientos llevándome a otro lugar.
Donde me ciego de la realidad
Una realidad que tanto quiero
que en verdad, es diferente a lo que busco
Pero a la vez, un tanto igual
Y no quiero abrir los ojos

De este sueño no quiero despertar
Pues somos dos mundos distintos
Yo lo sé, mas no lo quiero aceptar
Dos mundos paralelos
Los cuales a un acuerdo no pueden llegar.
Mis pensamientos desviándome de nuevo.
No me puedo concentrar

De nuevo consumida en este sueño

Que no ha de hacerse realidad
Trato de hacer lo correcto
Pero mi vista se ha de nublar
Con ideas que son distintas a como debo yo de actuar
Terminare por eliminarte
De estos pensamientos eternos
Para así poder gozar
De lo que supone ser una buena vida
Algo que se debe disfrutar

Y al fin conciliar mis sueños

Sin escuchar tu voz al final

His eyes and lips

men, does he know how to kiss... God knows that man owns the sweetest lips, will i ever find a mouth as full of wisdom as his own is? A pair of eyes as loving as his?

Today I just feel like smiling, a sincere kind of smile =)

Be happy, today's the perfect day for being happy... even if i have to study

I just need someone to hold my heart and ease the pain

So someone please just make it easier

look in my eyes

Face expressions are so hypocrite, you could say they're overrated too. When someone stares at your face and sees a smile, they don't read anything into it. They just assume you're as happy as you appear to be, as you want to believe you are. But if people could really look me in the eye and into my soul, if someone could see me from inside, and have a glare of my heart, I think they'd change their minds about smiles... they wouldn't give smiles the meaning they want them to have. So look me in the eye and focus in my heart. Not everything you see is as though as it looks. Not everything is as though as you'd want it to be.

Everything is slowly falling apart, and there's nothing I can do. I feel even more used as every day goes by, and my love, all the love I have to give is just dancing alone in my heart. It's somehow sad, though I thought we had potential, and I can assure we did, he just threw it all away. He gave our love away, just to have more fun, just to enjoy his "youth". He's running away from me, everytime faster, everytime more far away. His running away with my heart in his hands. And although I'd like to stop him, or at least tell him to give it back, I've already tried and it's useless, so it's my time to just sit and watch.

Ayer verte me hizo mal. Observar tus imperfecciones, analizarlas y darme cuenta que esos rasgos que gente consideraria como imperfectos, son totalmente perfectos, inclusive maravillosos para mi. Admirar tu cara, habernos visto a los ojos continua e indefinidamente, sin dar explicaciones ni esperar respuestas o un "por qué" simplemente nos mirabamos, vez tras vez repetidamente... recargar mi cabeza en tu pecho. Estuve cerca de tu corazón, lo sentí.. vivo... latiendo... por mí, espero y a la vez, sé que no.

Today, I feel as though I'm on top of the world!!

Today, for a second, and just a second.. I truly felt you're no good for me, I truly felt im disgusted by you, and that I don't feel for you anymore, that I don't love you anymore. I really felt like there has got to be more to it. A second later I might've felt differently about you... but I think I'm a step ahead. I know I'm a step ahead. It might've been just a second, but I felt it, it was real... almost tangible. And for all I know it's as important as I think it is.

I just want out... out of his life

me: why am i so hurt? how could I possibly let someone so in?

my best friend: love, dear is not a matter of choice

me: my mistake. And why did i choose to love him when I knew I was playing with fire?

my best friend: Because fire is so bright it blinds, and it makes us forget it's dangerous too.

p.s: if you read this, i love you princess. thanks for supporting me and being besides me everytime i need you to, everytime i cry...

It's funny, cause the harder I try to hold on, the faster he slips through my fingers and the easier it gets to me. Today, after thinking it through I just realized that it'll hurt as long as I want it to. I let him in, so naturally I'll let him out. And it is not a matter of time, cause we all know you can not forget someone you loved in 1 week or 2. Not when you want to pull him off your heart from the root. As long as the day arrives when I wake up and he's not the first person I think of, and i know it will, the time it takes won't matter. I know everything will be okay

amazing. how the pieces of my broken heart still ache

Two days ago, I crashed my car and he popped into my mind. Of all the persons that I care of, I wanted his comfort. Why is that so? Why when we're dead? I guess in the end, he's always the one who's wandering in my head. After so much time, it's still that way. I want to be able to forget, for I'd like not to be thinking always of his name. was it even worth it? out of a year, the time I really enjoyed was not more than 3 months. I'll just try and forget, though I'm not willing yet, but I'm hopeful I'll be one day. And when that day comes, I'll be ready to love again.

My kiss in the rain

It rained today, it is actually raining as I type. Why does rain in here has to be so unpredictable, as well as my thoughts are?... as his changing mind is too. It confuses me... the power he has over me. Not only does it confuse me, it scares me to the point of desperation. As the sound of rain continued to fill my thoughts, I couldn't help it, I couldn't get rid of that flashback, a clear image of the past, of the life I didn't want to give up on. A perfect day. It was as if I were there again, living through that moment. I could even feel the water down my hair and past my body. I could smell him again, I felt his hair in my hands again and his body pressing against mine. This mental picture... why does it has to be so sharp and so painful to watch? I even tasted his lips, once again. I find it really hard, and scary getting to know someone so deeply, and letting them get to you even deeper. So many memories created between us two, how will i ever get rid of them? eventhough they might've been good, I don't want them, for I can not bare remembering them, living through them. I want to let them loose, to give them away, and watch them dissappear as I let go. It is hardly possible, though, when every song, every movie, even the weather reminds you of such pain, of every inside joke. I'm just wishing right now I could forget of that kiss. Our kiss. The one in the rain

Still

I still believe there's going to be a day when he comes home, flowers in his hand .. telling me he wants me back. Idiotically Hopeful, I'd say. Not in three months has he come, not yesterday, not tomorrow he will, not ever. I find my hope and expectations in humanity quite deceiving, for they have never been fullfilled, and will hardly be. I'd rather not expect anything from anyone, in order for someone to surprise me, even amaze me someday.

My thoughts

After 10 months of loving him (even though he wouldn’t love me back), he finally says it. I love you, I want to be in a relationship with you. I gave him everything I had… well, not everything, but almost. What does he do? He says he can not be in a relationship, not now… he’s too busy for me. What do I do? I play it cool, wait til’ I get home and cry for weeks… when was the last time I cried? Yesterday. It’s been 3 months already, and the last time we fought, what does he tell me? There’s nothing left between us, I only call you cause I got used to it (a.k.a do not feel important) he says he only calls me cause he wants someone for the night. Is that who I am? Is that how he sees me? A one night stand… Am I a meaningless kiss? A meaningless hug? a meaningless stare? Cause I actually thought I was more than that. I gave him all of my love. And I don’t think he’ll ever find someone that loves him as much as I did. It’s been three months and I can not get over him. How much time does a heart needs to heal? Can someone answer that question? Am I ever going to find out someone who makes it right? Someone to put my heart together again?

If you're sorry

“Im sorry” is all I heard that night.
You say you want to know what I’d like from you
And do you want an answer?
Well forgive me if I don’t tell you what you want to hear
And forgive me if I try to speak, and fail, but there are tears in my voice.

And I Wasted all these kisses,
They were all headed to your ego
And I wasted all of this time
I hope you understand that
I’m looking for something else

I sometimes tell a lie or two, but you
It’s all I hear from you and
How come all this time you’ve been pretending
And I, I believed your bluff. All that came out from that beautiful smile
You know, Taking advantage of a girl’s heart is not the right thing to do

You say you want to know what I’d like from you
And do you want an answer?
And what if I told you I want your heart?
Would you give it to me?

And you think you can tell me I’m beautiful, so I can let you kiss me
And you might think that If you ask me out, I’ll die, that I’ll melt in your eyes
And that if you treat me well one night or two, I’ll make it up to you
But no, no

And I Wasted all these kisses,
They were all headed to your ego
And I wasted all of this time
I hope you understand that
I’m looking for something else

Well I’m sorry, I don’t kiss good liars.
If you’re sorry, well just go away.

It's too late

Everything i wanted, was it a lot to ask?
I lost myself in the attempt to make you mine
And I know I dream of the day you give a cry
Cause I’ve done that enough
Was it all just a lie?

You said you’d never hurt my feelings.
Well, never say never… cause guess what?
It’s too late, It’s too late

Is that your way to treat a girl?
Cause man, you surely have to learn
That not all the world revolves around you,
Not all the world revolves around you.

You said you’d never hurt my feelings.
Well, never say never… cause guess what?
You did, you did it.

And all those plans, all the things I wanted for us
And I’ll never forget the day I discovered “us” would never exist.
And I can’t vanish the pain when I discovered “us” was just in my head
You said this is not about winning or losing.
Well I lost, and all I’m left with are just “what ifs”.

Not all the world revolves around you.
Only I do

And who do you think about before you sleep?
I know I think of you
It’s too late… It’s too late