Mientras delineabas el contorno de mis labios con tu dedo, dibujando cada beso que recibí en estos dos años de altibajos y dolor, de discusiones y felicidad, de risas y llantos, de luz y oscuridad. Lo vi. Vi ese amor que nunca pudiste demostrar y que pocas veces se pudo manifestar. Vi ese compromiso que no quisiste, razón por la que lo nuestro tuvo que terminar. Vi finalmente las estrellas en tus ojos que el dia de ayer solo en los mios se podían notar ¿y porqué hasta ahorita? Me debería preguntar. Sin embargo me encarcelo y pienso "me tengo que aguantar" esperaré tu regreso, aunque se que algunas más te tendrán allá. Me esperaré a tus besos y no los supliré con los de alguien más, alguien que no me sepa dar lo que me das tú. ¿Y qué es eso? Si no te supiste comprometer y porqué esperar? si probablemente regresarás a ser él, el mismo de ayer. ¿Porqué me atengo a tu regreso y me adueño de esta cárcel mental? la cual yo cree, a la cual no quiero nunca soltar.

How many times can I break til' I shatter?

I dreamt i was hiding at my place, because armed people were surrounding everything I know. Everything I AM. So there I was, at my restroom, with one of my sisters, the engines to my life. And suddenly they were there.. at our home too. We could hear them destroying everything we've grown along with, just tearing it to pieces... like if it was of no worth... although they were behind me, and I'm not sure why, they couldn't get to me, they actually left. I was so anxious to get out and see the mess they'd left me with, and then I woke up. Just like that. But what could this mean? Could the house have represented myself.. who i am..? and if it did, why am I being destroyed and by whom? And like in my dream, can I wake up from it all? Just like that?

What happened to that evil eyes whenever we talked about them and their lies? And you know, we used to criticize those guys, so why are you suddenly one? Why did you decide to be just as them all? Is it true that we're fading? I mean, can that really happen to us two? You and I both know it was just a mistake, and I wouldn't allow this to be the end. But I won't fight for you, for I already did. I suppose it's in your hands, if you want this to be it

Yesterday I was looking at the mountains (cause there are many mountains where I live)... I mean, really STARING at them and i just noticed they're breath taking.. amazing... and I usually just take them for granted.. I don't notice them anymore, specially if i'm in the city, distracted by buildings, and traffic, and all... But what made me open my eyes this time? What made me notice them now? If I go to live somewhere else would I miss them? Would I think of them often?.... And if you come think about it, is it the same for people? Could it be that maybe there are buildings hiding them? Blinding us? Not allowing us to see, to discover how special is someone and how much we need that someone?

.... could i be hidden behind a building? or am I just not a mountain? So what am I to him, anyway? Cause he answers "everything" but I can't finish convincing myself... and I just feel terrible, cause he's the first guy i REALLY allowed into my life since the last guy who broke my heart 1 year ago.. and now he left, he left for good.. or bad? were we meant to be or was it meant to be something meaningless?

So, can the heart be big enough?

Is his heart that big? that small? does he have one?

Listen to my voice, its my disguise... im by your side

just a summer love?
hope not

Love does exist, love does hurt
I found love, and gave it away.. not a smart thing to do, i should say

I just need you NOW

Hasn't it ocurred to you that love doesn't exist? I've given it lots of thought and sometimes i think maybe love's not real. It's like an ilussion, i mean you You start believing you love someone and you try and convince yourself you do. And if your power of self-conviction or your willingness to love him/her, or even if your reasons are not that big and strong, you don't make it. you don't get to fall in love. So you never really fall in love, they're just many hopes and dreams put together. They're your self-conviction and your willingness. All those persons in love out there... they're all just "not-wanting-to-be-alone-s" I've given it a lot of thought. But am i ever gonna be willing to want this life for myself? I'll give it some thought

"what is hell? I mantain that it is the suffering of being unable to love" - Dostoyevsky

I LOVED that quote.... i just hope it's not describing how i've been feeling

getting over him: 10 steps (he dumps you)

First, you kind of sense there's something wrong. You feel like he's dissapearing, like you are. The air is heavy... you can hardly breathe.
Second, He says it: "It's me, it isn't you", "I've a personal problem I have to get resolved", "I'm really busy, I can't be in a relationship right now"... Whatever phrase he uses, you just think: "bullshit", and kind of play it cool, kind of hoping it's just a dream, kind of begging it's a nightmare, and even waiting for the waking-up-part, the realizing-he-still-loves-you moment that never arrives.
Third, you're broken... you don't really want to talk to him, but deep inside, you do. Cause there's this hope that tells you he's going to regret it, he's going to ask you for a second chance, and say those three words again. And he doesn't. You're in denial, my friend. Maybe there's a little booze and some tears in this step. Totally normal
Fourth, SADNESS. It's really difficult not to cry, you're actually crying your eyes out and no word, no friend seems to be comforting enough. You just can't help it, there's a pain in your heart, a real pain which you can't handle.
Fifth, you enter in a zombi-like state, you're thinking it all through: when did i go wrong? what did i do that might've upset him? My friends even got to call me I was in a "bella" state of the new moon book. But it wasn't sadness.. i was just thinking, every hour, every minute, every second. You want to be busy, and start excercising, you get really hot (i really recommend this part, it works ;))
Sixth, there you are, talking to him again. Telling your friends he's just a friend but hoping he'll open his eyes and realize once again how incredible you are. But he never does.
Seventh, you think you're over him but you stumble upon a letter he wrote, then you just lock the door of your room, and cry, cry, cry.
Eight, you're finally done with the sad songs. You put a happy song in your room, smile and start dancing. Maybe you just want to pretend your happy, but by the time you realize, you're really enjoying yourself.
Ninth: You don't love him anymore, but you still think of him: why? cause there's no one else. Actually there's this fear you can't get rid of... will i find someone to love as much as i loved him? But there's no point in thinking that, now is there? You took a really big step. There's only a few days you miss him, you love him, you're grieving, but the rest of the days you're just happy... enjoying all the little things that are keeping you alive.
Tenth: You're ready for the cruel world all over again, you're just waiting for someone to caught your heart again. And it's always a mystery, it's beautiful. When you find him, you don't know what will happen, but you're hopefull he might be the one.